Every now and then I question my purpose in life. I question my sense of self. I don’t typically like to be left alone with my thoughts. They terrify me. Why? Because I am a big thinker. Not a great thinker. There is a difference.

Today however is a good day. My thoughts are apprehensive but beautiful. I love the feeling of being alive. Today, I do. Really. I love the joy of the people around me. I at least get to see life through their eyes, their experiences. That is how my life gets meaning.

It’s not that I don’t derive joy from my own experiences. It just feels like incomplete joy.

And I am a junkie. Always chasing the emotional high I get from others. I need it. I yearn for that feeling and I am elated when I attain it.

That is all I need for alignment. Completion. That is what I need for my self.

I know my writing is erratic but this is more of a public diary. It is more needed on some days than others.

Anyway, this beautiful life ought to shine. It is imperfect. Quite incomplete and unfulfilled. It is not my place to say how, when or what. I must believe though that I will one day shine as bright as the sun.

When. Ohh, when that day comes, today, tomorrow, whenever, I will be prepared.

Today. Today I excelled. I am one step closer to making my little life beautiful and bright.

I vaguely remember a time when certain things meant a lot to me. I did not value the beauty found in simplicity. Everything I wanted and I knew I must have then was so complex.

Such things do not matter to me anymore. A part of me loves that I love friendships, family, the joy that comes with being peaceful, healthy and free from debt. Nothing beats that.

I still crave for complexity or at least another part of me does. But not in the same ways anymore. Not in a silly irrelevant way. I want the big things now not only for the sake of it but because I understand their importance. I have convinced myself I know why I want them.

I appreciate both the simplicity and complexity.

The duality of living.

Well, I have truly missed this.

Anyway, I’m in Mbarara. Kyamugorani to be specific. I’m doing LDC. Yayyyy!

I love it here. I love my friends. I love my room. I like the food. I like the weather too. Sometimes though, I feel overwhelmed and anxious. Studying is hard. Especially here. I miss simplicity. The kind I had as a child.
Everytime my heart feels heavy, I listen to music and remind myself who I am. I am strong, resilient and brave. I’m a lover, giver and believer.
I hope for beautiful things. I will get them.

Bye😊

Since the COVID year(2020), everything has been a blur and it’s not due to my lack of optimism because that, I have in plenty. I have just been struggling with this life thing too much. I don’t know if I’ll survive being an independent adult (I will obviously, duh! Just being extra so you get my point).So, 2021 was an okay year, not horrible, not amazing. Just the right amount of …..glam… I guess.Anyway, in 2022, I concluded my degree which I’m so grateful for because I had some stumbling blocks which I faced head-on and came out still me, just a little drained. But, I won’t count 2022 for that, I’ll count 2023, the year in which I actually graduate because one of the greatest losses of my life happened in the great ’22. I can’t handle connecting the joy to pain or maybe this oversimplification of ‘this year was good’ or it was so bad’ is bullshit because it can be both. Anyway, 2022, I hope you go with the pain you’ve caused me. I most certainly won’t miss you but I’ll remember you regardless. Because I lost a deep love. It hurts every single day. But starting today, I’ll take it each day or even hour at a time. No more this year was bad or good. Or we’ll see how it goes. whatever works or doesn’t.

I miss you at times like this. I would tell you about this project I am doing and I’d be excited about what I might get out of it. you’d be so proud of me and I would feel it in the way your voice cracks. Not the way it does when one is about to cry but in that other way-the gush of emotions seeping through. I would be content and without knowing it, I was the happiest I’ll ever be. I have such a project today but you’re not here. I would have told you that I wouldn’t gain financially from it. You would have given me the snarkiest comment. Subtle. I would be angry but I would explain. You wouldn’t be satisfied but you’d let it go. Because you were proud of me regardless. I have this project today but I miss what would have come with it. Inexplicable joy for sharing it with you. I’ll still tell you about it and I will imagine what you would say. I don’t know if you’ll hear me but I’ll tell you anyway.

Before my father died, he was unwell for a really long time. I used to dread the moment that he would breathe his last. I would think about it a lot. I would try to take my mind off it but I couldn’t. Whenever I went to school, I was too scared to come home and hear bad news so I would put off going back home everyday until I absolutely had to(It’s silly because they could call me on my phone, I know. But it made perfect sense then). It was hard to focus on other things because my mind would just drift off to him. I used to pray everyday for him to not be in pain anymore. I didn’t care what that meant: death or healing. I just wanted his pain to stop because I loved him too much and every groan he made while writhing in pain caused me pain too. I know it’s clichè but when you experience it, you’ll understand. Anyway, when I told people about it, they’d say he’ll get better. I knew he wouldn’t. I saw it unravel. I knew. I just wanted him to die and stop feeling anything altogether. Feeling nothing was better than feeling even an ounce of pain.
The after effects? Horrid!! I actually thought it’d be better once he rested but it isn’t. At least when he was alive, he was there. Now, the pain I feel is worse. I truly hope it gets better as I’ve been told. At the moment, the thought of him no longer experiencing the pain keeps me sane. So, I’ll keep going.

I don’t remember who I was 3 – 4 years ago. No. I vaguely remember who I was. Actually, it is pretty simple. I don’t want to remember. The memories are beautiful but they cause me pain because the reality is much different now. Funny how a younger me was exhilarated about the idea of growing up. Now, I wish I could crawl back into the little cacoon that engulfed me as a child. A time when I could never forget to be happy.

I am treading on a shaky ground. No. I am running in unknown territory. I feel glad. I’m happy. But who knows how long happiness ever lasts. All this talk of ‘True happiness never ends’. I don’t believe it. Everything has an end. Whether good or bad. I guess that’s the silver lining. The fact that even the bad things come to an end.

The blessing in disguise. The year I made 20. The triple twenties definitely meant something to me. This was my year. Not a favourite year though and not just because of the cliché covid 19. It was much more than that. A rollercoaster. Anyway, the beautiful 2020 has taught me that life is not all about roses and the delicacy of lace. It is much more. It is about knowing that the future is not definite but still working hard for it either way. It is also about understanding that sometimes we need to let go and other times we must fight tooth and nail to hold on. It is the valiance and yet subtlety with which we handle every single peculiarity in life. It is about forgiveness and learning. I won’t say this has been the worst year of my life because it hasn’t. Although I won’t deny that I’ve seen better. Still, i wouldn’t erase it. I’ve embraced more of who I am because of this year. As I write this, I look at my life and I wouldn’t change a thing in this year. I have grown so much as a person. Loved more. Lived more and a little less at the same time. Farewell 2020 love. I carry with me the apprehension of what the future holds as I grow older so hello 2021🎆