My apologies. Merci. I know it has been long. I know I’m sorry. I know you’ll wonder but honestly, there is no explanation. I just let my mind wander off long enough to forget. Not you, but everything. Including you. It wasn’t planned. My reverie should have ended sooner. I know. It was impromptu though. It wasn’t my fault but still I know I have to pay some price. To suffer. The same way you have. Except you look happy. You’re radiant and glowing and ecstatic. I miss this you but I understand I have no right. Still, I just need to know. Is this all a lie? If not, I applaud you. You know how to convince a wanderer you don’t care and have them question whether you ever did. If yes, it is okay to move on flower. It is okay to still act hurt even when you aren’t. I don’t know why. I would never question you and I will still pay the price. In whatever way the universe deems fit. Because….

You don’t care enough to anymore or if you do, you’re scared of being hurt. Again. I will let the wind carry me once more. To wander wherever. At least I’ve seen you again. Goodbye.

Okay, this might sound very silly but does anybody ever feel so comfortable with someone that you feel you can breakdown or snap in peace even when that person might not understand or is it just me? Yeah, I know. Very weird and confusing question but let me explain. I have a sister whom I’ve grown up with. Her space is just very comfortable for me that sometimes I transfer aggressions meant for the world onto her. When people call you nice all the time, they set a very high standard for you that leaves no space for minor uncalled for tantrums or immature anger for stupid things. But the thing is: nice people do want to snap too, sometimes, but the world is less forgiving when it happens. The judgement is excruciatingly painful for a person used to being everyone’s sweetheart. Just like when Ihuoma, a very virtuous woman in ‘The concubine’ began to loathe her virtues and resent people who praised her because she felt she was being confined in an ever narrowing prison. I hope you get it now.

Anyway, back to my comfortable space, my sister has an aura of calmness and lack of judgement around her that sometimes all my bottled up frustration, anger and pain comes out onto her. Of course it is not fair for her. It is too heavy and I wouldn’t want to break her back. Also, she doesn’t understand most of the time and I don’t blame her because all she sees is a sister acting bitchy towards her and nice to other people. I really want to stop this unprecedented behavior. I just hope she knows I love her. I hope I can snap at other people too without them judging me(very not possible because judgement is inevitable). But heh, who cares? I’ll be blissful then.

Yeahhh, so every morning, I wake up and I always do something horrible. I don’t say hi to my immediate neighbours. Short version: I thought they stared too much and they were rude. Correct version? I was wrong and they are human who have bad days sometimes and occasional attitude problems. Who doesn’t? Anyway, I stopped talking to them and this beautiful gesture was reciprocated. Now, I know they think I have no manners and they judge me. I soooo want to start saying hi again but it has been really long and it is awkward😪. I’m really hopeful that I’ll grow up real soon, get over myself and be a good neighbour; not sweet and loving, but civil.

Love, Nabirye💎

https://victorianabirye.home.blog/2020🌼

Arghhhhhh. So, I’m sitting at home, just had my usual lunch and i’m really comfortable. I love food. I view a WhatsApp status that piques my interest and sends me to my class group. Then, boom. A slam of results that are out in my face. I mean, damn. I lose my cool. I get up from the floor and lie on the bed. I hate suspense so i google immediately. Meanwhile, my stupid tecno had other plans. It freezes constantly and increases my anxiety. I mean school related stuff? When I’ve been on a forced Covid19 related vacation for four months? ANXIETY!!!!

Anyway, bottom line, I check finally and wow(not the good wow😪), the best done in my head has close to the lowest mark and the unconsidered one is the best. Huh?! This proves i suffer from too much confidence and lack of confidence at the same time. I hope law school won’t make me lose my mind. I won’t dwell on it though so help me God. What’s done is done. Also, school is a frenemy. I just cannot believe this sh**.

Love, Victoria

My father always says to me,” Make hay shine while the sun still shines “. It is like his ultimate favourite saying. Sometimes, when parents tell you things, you deliberately disregard them. But, there was something about this saying that made me see my whole future before my eyes, and not in a lucid sort of way but just the notion of how it’s supposed to be. Still, it scared me. I don’t know if young people ever actually think of adulthood. Of being prepared. Of saving. Of the way everyone starts seeing you differently. Of the things the community expects from you. It scares me to death. I get anxious about these things, crazy serious anxiety. Who is going to give me a job? Do I have connections? What if my pay cheque is late? I don’t deal with it though. When it scares me, I shove it down into the farthest part of my brain and shift to a happy place. I’m a coward, maybe, but I still know that no matter what, I’ll become a grownup and I’ll just learn to deal with it then.

Love, Nabirye💎

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter portion by which the physician would give you to heal your fixed shell. Therefore trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity”, Huey Freeman-The boondocks.

Wow! Some people can certainly never change. They are the reason why some historical wrongs will take many more centuries to be corrected. We are not even half way there. Imagine someone being gaslighted for as simple a reason as not being understood or being on the opposite side of privilege. Let me start with sex. I’m female. God knows the micro aggressions I’ve had to deal with, being a woman in society, ever since I was a child. They are so many that I cannot even finish half of them; for example being told a woman’s primary role is to be in the kitchen. (This is not bad perse because it is an honour to be a great wife and/or mother. However, it must go hand in hand with the value of education.)My story happens to end there because my family is liberal, it tries. However, for those whom such an ideology was enforced into their mind grow up knowing, I must be a good wife and mother. That’s all I’m useful for in society. That’s why for some women, it is s lifelong aspiration to be that and only that. It is not their fault. The society teaches them to be codependent on a man and then when everyone sees domestic violence cases with a woman abused, they say,”Why doesn’t she leave him?” For some women, it is not that simple, they worry about finances, basically survival, what the society will think and worst of all lacking a purpose. Being a failure at the only thing they know.The fact remains that some people don’t want to understand.They are so adamant that if it were up to them, we wouldn’t have made it past the stone age. But I can still appeal to those who are willing to understand. Before you do or say anything, think for a second or two, Will this be offensive? Will I be considered sexist or misogynistic or racist? Put yourself in another person’s shoes and consider. If no, then go ahead and say or do whatever it is. If by the slightest chance, someone is offended because of an insensitive or demeaning comment or action, listen. Then apologize. Then listen some more and learn. That is the only way we’ll build a better society.

Note to self: Nabirye, never use your privilege as a weapon against others but use it to try to understand those who don’t have it and be the change you want to see in the world. No matter how small the privilege is.💎

Well, this is all new to me but I feel great sometimes and sad other times. Anyway to cut the long story short, a young student needs to offload. I hope this will keep me sane.

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.